Archive for December, 2007
At the same time as adolescents are tied into a changing of body their emotions are often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control! Here there is a need for personal space and sensitive space. Remember they are not yet adults and you will have to treat each moment as it comes, sometimes they will want you to give lots of hugs, other times they will brush you away. Do try to be understanding.
With the best of your intentions your teenager may still feel no one understands. Someone has said that every adolescent believes they are the first adolescent in history! This can lead to a sense they are meeting the challenge alone, and as their fears are often poorly articulated, they can be misunderstood by adults as a rejection of their love. This is not the case but they need to talk on their own terms and at their own choice of time, which rarely coincides with a time convenient to us.
Dr Ross Campbell in his book, ‘How to Really Love Your Teenager’ gives some helpful advice on how to recognise those times when your adolescent wants to talk. Everyone will be able to identify those times if they look for the clues. He writes about the teenager who really wants to talk on a subject which they find threatening, so instead of getting straight down to the point, will ask a question quite out of character. The alert person will pick this up.
For example, if they never ask about how your day went but suddenly do, this is a clue that a deeper conversation is being looked for. Campbell puts it like this, ‘We must be alert for such unsolicited and sometimes puzzling gestures, usually a hesitant teenager’s way of asking for time and focused attention. He is ‘feeling us out,’ testing us to see what kind of mood and frame of mind we’re in – to see if it is safe to approach us on an issue about which he feels uncomfortable.’ He says that for his own children he got used to the words, ‘Oh by the way’ being the code to pay particular attention.
As has already been indicated, adolescents have not achieved a settled identity and part of the emotional change they go through is establishing this identity. The question, ‘Who am I?’ can lead to crises. Pressure on all sides to be this or that creates confusion, inconsistency, discouragement, and even anger. As adults you must recognise your own fallibility and if young people have not already grasped this truth, they certainly will during the adolescent years. This realisation may cause anxiety as they come to terms emotionally with this truth.
Continuing our mini-theme, here are some things guaranteed to kill a conversation at 20 paces.
- Classic putdowns and the inappropriate use of humour
- Increasing the volume – don’t scream!
- Verbal overkill – otherwise known as going on and on
- Shifting the topic
- Suggesting they do things that we don’t do ourselves
- Body language – a shrug of the shoulders communicates a lot
- Finishing their sentences for them [so frustrating!]
- Simply not listening
Communication is a two way process, so sitting their silently doesn’t work too well either.
When they do begin to open up you will need to become an active listener – here are some thought provokers:
- Don’t listen with just your ears – use your eyes and your emotions too
- Don’t be a mind reader and fill in the gaps that they leave – ask if you want to know more.
- Try not to be judgmental – listen with an open mind
- Watch for their facial expressions and look out for when they are fidgeting
- Silence is a great tool – use it wisely
- Be careful with your interruptions especially if they are getting deep and meaningful
- Tone of voice is definitely worth tuning in to
- Practice reflecting back to them in summary form what you have heard.
- Avoid cliché comments – one example that many people don’t like is ‘How did that make you feel?’
- Find the time to listen – don’t let them feel pressured.
Feel free to add to the list – press the comment button below.
Many parents struggle to get their teenagers to open up to them and allow them into their lives. It can sometimes seem that they are a closed book – one of those locked diaries maybe even with it’s own guard dog! From time to time it can seem impossible to get them to open up and allow you into their lives. Don’t give up!
Getting them to talk with you and for you to know about their lives can be a great way for you to protect them from danger, you can highlight things to them that they may not have been aware of. We are not suggesting that you spy and snoop, if you get your information that way them there will be very little you can do about it – and if they find out they will be very unhappy – to say the least.
Here are four ideas to get you started:
Start young – it is always easier to keep something going that has been a part of family life than to start a new tradition later in life. Of course you may hit some road blocks along the way but stick with it – the prize is well worth it.
Find common ground. Learn to be interested in what interests them, you will find they are more open to talk about those kinds of things. Yes, it means maybe listening to their music but it will form a platform to take the discussion deeper. Simply asking ‘how was school’ won’t get you very far.
Be open to what they say. Of course they may tell you things that you wish you didn’t know – either about themselves or their friends. Don’t appear shocked or react in a judgmental way because that will just cause them to close up. it is possible to tell them you disapprove of something without them feeling got at. If you can work through these things then they will surely come to you whenever they have a problem.
Spend more time together. In the busyness of life we can often skip spending time with your children. I often hear people talking about quality time but my experience has shown me that quality time only comes when there is quantity time. it isn’t possible to schedule quality time – that’s not how human relationships work. Many teenagers see the lack of time with their parents as a major concern. Here are 4 quick thoughts to help you
- Why not set up a specific weekly get together, something fun. in my home town Tuesday nights are cheaper at the cinema. And it’s a 25 minute drive each way.
- Try making dinner time a family time -0 not easy I know but if you can do it 2 or 3 times a week that would be great.
- Get involved in one of their activities – coach their team.
- Drive them to school each day instead of sending them on the bus – even if it’s only one way.
It may take some time to overcome their initial reluctance to open up but stay with it and the benefits you will get will be worth all the effort.
Your child will spend many years in high school and it will affect their grades, the colleges they can choose, university options and ultimately their career. So choosing a high school is of the highest importance.
So, where do you begin? Well the first decision is a philosophical one – do you educate your child in the public system, the private school or do you educate them at home?
There are pros and cons for all of them and the decision will more likely be influenced by your world view, financial status and your education level. It will also be shaped by your experiences to date. If you have home schooled to this point you will be aware of your child’s abilities and self discipline. If you have had a positive or negative experience of the private or public sector, this will weigh heavily one way or the other.
It is certainly a good idea to invite your child into the discussion although you will need to be aware that they will put great weight on the future schools of their friends.
Some specific questions to consider would include:
Have you the capability to teach them at home – have you the time and the flexibility?
Are you financially able to consider private education – are there scholarships available?
Does your child need social interactivity to thrive or are they often involved in bullying situations – at either ‘end’ of the process?
How important is sport to them?
Are they able to study unsupervised?
How far do you live from your preferred high school – how long will it take each day to travel?
How influential is your family’s faith in considering high school education?
There is no always right or always wrong answer. Your decision may be very different to your neighbour, to your friends – it might even differ from child to child.
In case you hadn’t noticed, parenting teenagers can be a pressure based way of life. Here are 10 things that can cause that pressure – feel free to comment and add your own thoughts to the list:
- Lack of good reasons
- Outside influences
- Conflicting demands
- Mum/Dad disagreements
Not necessarily in any order.
A couple of suggestions – OK so there are 3 …
- Admit your frustration
- Read up on parenting
- Get help!
During the teenage years a young person’s home may resemble a busy railway terminus with people coming and going all the time. Some come only once while others become part of the furniture. You will also note a change during the adolescent years from a child being part of a group to being one of a couple each of the opposite sex. There is no age at which these changes take place and each young person is, of course, different.
These are times of intense and fluctuating emotions. The daughter who tells her parents she has found the man of her dreams and intends to marry him, is just as likely to bring a different boy home a fortnight later and declare the other one, ‘sad!’ You will need to know that your young person will often need to be left alone in public, however, we recommend that appropriate hugs do not stop at the onset of adolescence. Obviously you need to choose your times to show affection in this way but hugs are an excellent way to keep parental affection flowing.
There is a lovely story about a Romanian orphanage where the conditions were dreadful and the neglected children were slowly but surely dying. However, the overstretched doctor noticed that on one ward the children were getting better. An investigation was started into the reasons for this change. Was it the nursing care that was making the difference? No, the same nurses were caring for many other wards as well as the one where improvement was seen. Was it the food, perhaps the lighting, the outlook, the way the sun caught this particular ward?
None of these things were found to be unique to this ward. Yet, the children were getting better. So the doctor decided to get up very early one morning and decided to monitor the ward for 24 hours to observe whether there was a lesson to be learned.
The first person to visit the ward that morning was the cleaning lady. She got on her hands and knees and washed the floor but as she got to the first cot she stopped, stood up, picked up the child and held it, cooing and aahing into the little face. After a while she put the child back, got on her hands and knees, went on washing till she got to the next cot. Here the same thing happened, she got up, picked up the child and held it, cooing and aahing into the little face. Then she got back down on her knees and washed the floor.
The doctor realised that this small act of holding the children and showing affection was making the difference for this was the only ward the woman cleaned. There is never a time in our lives when we do not need the flow of affection by physical touch.