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At the same time as adolescents are tied into a changing of body their emotions are often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control! Here there is a need for personal space and sensitive space. Remember they are not yet adults and you will have to treat each moment as it comes, sometimes they will want you to give lots of hugs, other times they will brush you away. Do try to be understanding.

With the best of your intentions your teenager may still feel no one understands. Someone has said that every adolescent believes they are the first adolescent in history! This can lead to a sense they are meeting the challenge alone, and as their fears are often poorly articulated, they can be misunderstood by adults as a rejection of their love. This is not the case but they need to talk on their own terms and at their own choice of time, which rarely coincides with a time convenient to us.

Dr Ross Campbell in his book, ‘How to Really Love Your Teenager’ gives some helpful advice on how to recognise those times when your adolescent wants to talk. Everyone will be able to identify those times if they look for the clues. He writes about the teenager who really wants to talk on a subject which they find threatening, so instead of getting straight down to the point, will ask a question quite out of character. The alert person will pick this up.

For example, if they never ask about how your day went but suddenly do, this is a clue that a deeper conversation is being looked for. Campbell puts it like this, ‘We must be alert for such unsolicited and sometimes puzzling gestures, usually a hesitant teenager’s way of asking for time and focused attention. He is ‘feeling us out,’ testing us to see what kind of mood and frame of mind we’re in - to see if it is safe to approach us on an issue about which he feels uncomfortable.’ He says that for his own children he got used to the words, ‘Oh by the way’ being the code to pay particular attention.

As has already been indicated, adolescents have not achieved a settled identity and part of the emotional change they go through is establishing this identity. The question, ‘Who am I?’ can lead to crises. Pressure on all sides to be this or that creates confusion, inconsistency, discouragement, and even anger. As adults you must recognise your own fallibility and if young people have not already grasped this truth, they certainly will during the adolescent years. This realisation may cause anxiety as they come to terms emotionally with this truth.

Posted: December 21st, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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Continuing our mini-theme, here are some things guaranteed to kill a conversation at 20 paces.

• Classic putdowns and the inappropriate use of humour
• Increasing the volume - don’t scream!
• Verbal overkill - otherwise known as going on and on
• Shifting the topic
• Suggesting they do things that we don’t do ourselves
• Body language - a shrug of the shoulders communicates a lot
• Finishing their sentences for them [so frustrating!]
• Simply not listening

Communication is a two way process, so sitting their silently doesn’t work too well either.

Posted: December 18th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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When they do begin to open up you will need to become an active listener - here are some thought provokers:

• Don’t listen with just your ears - use your eyes and your emotions too
• Don’t be a mind reader and fill in the gaps that they leave - ask if you want to know more.
• Try not to be judgmental - listen with an open mind
• Watch for their facial expressions and look out for when they are fidgeting
• Silence is a great tool - use it wisely
• Be careful with your interruptions especially if they are getting deep and meaningful
• Tone of voice is definitely worth tuning in to
• Practice reflecting back to them in summary form what you have heard.
• Avoid cliché comments - one example that many people don’t like is ‘How did that make you feel?’
• Find the time to listen - don’t let them feel pressured.

Feel free to add to the list - press the comment button below.

Posted: December 15th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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Many parents struggle to get their teenagers to open up to them and allow them into their lives. It can sometimes seem that they are a closed book - one of those locked diaries maybe even with it’s own guard dog! From time to time it can seem impossible to get them to open up and allow you into their lives. Don’t give up!

Getting them to talk with you and for you to know about their lives can be a great way for you to protect them from danger, you can highlight things to them that they may not have been aware of. We are not suggesting that you spy and snoop, if you get your information that way them there will be very little you can do about it - and if they find out they will be very unhappy - to say the least.

Here are four ideas to get you started:

Start young - it is always easier to keep something going that has been a part of family life than to start a new tradition later in life. Of course you may hit some road blocks along the way but stick with it - the prize is well worth it.

Find common ground. Learn to be interested in what interests them, you will find they are more open to talk about those kinds of things. Yes, it means maybe listening to their music but it will form a platform to take the discussion deeper. Simply asking ‘how was school’ won’t get you very far.

Be open to what they say. Of course they may tell you things that you wish you didn’t know - either about themselves or their friends. Don’t appear shocked or react in a judgmental way because that will just cause them to close up. it is possible to tell them you disapprove of something without them feeling got at. If you can work through these things then they will surely come to you whenever they have a problem.

Spend more time together. In the busyness of life we can often skip spending time with your children. I often hear people talking about quality time but my experience has shown me that quality time only comes when there is quantity time. it isn’t possible to schedule quality time - that’s not how human relationships work. Many teenagers see the lack of time with their parents as a major concern. Here are 4 quick thoughts to help you

• Why not set up a specific weekly get together, something fun. in my home town Tuesday nights are cheaper at the cinema. And it’s a 25 minute drive each way.
• Try making dinner time a family time -0 not easy I know but if you can do it 2 or 3 times a week that would be great.
• Get involved in one of their activities - coach their team.
• Drive them to school each day instead of sending them on the bus - even if it’s only one way.

It may take some time to overcome their initial reluctance to open up but stay with it and the benefits you will get will be worth all the effort.

Posted: December 12th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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To many people, apart from the one with it, acne can seem trivial but they will see it as a horrible affliction. Most teenagers get acne at some point and in severe cases it can lead to a negative body image and to depression. However there are steps you can take and there are treatments available to help them.

There are so many old wives tales and myths that your child may have come across. People may have told them or they may have read them online. So the place to begin is with the facts and for you to share them with your child.

So here are a few things that either cause acne or influence it and make it worse:

• Genetics - not that we can do anything about them
• Touching skin - just causes the spread
• Too much scrubbing
• Popping the spots - maybe fun but it’s not good for you.

There are other factors that will impact on general health and skin care. They are:

• Diet - what we put into our bodies has to affect us.
• Stress - the overall issues of our life
• Hair shampoo and oils
• Make up - what we put on our skin gets quickly absorbed.

Proper skin care is a skill that we should teach our children early. face washing using a mild soap twice a day (only twice!) When acne begins to develop but them an over the counter face wash. Of course you may need to experiment until you find the one that works best for you.

If the over the counter fails then don’t hesitate to visit your doctor or a dermatologist. Prescription medicines can be very effective although they can take up to 2 months to take effect so the sooner you act the better. It may cost money but it will make a heap of difference to your child.

Some young people may be embarrassed to talk to their parents about acne so feel free to take the initiative and start early! The first signs are when you should act as the process can be time consuming and the earlier the treatment starts the less serious it is likely to come.

Acne can be difficult for a young person to deal with but it will be a lot easier with your help.

Posted: November 30th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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Teenagers are social beings and they will often want to invite their friends home as well as go to visit them. They will have a wide range of friendships and it is just a matter of time before you are going to dislike at least one of them. Here are a few thoughts to help you keep things in perspective and to prevent a small issue growing into a big problem.

Your first thing to do is think about why you don’t like the specific person. It could be a case of different personalities clashing - if that’s the reason then I suggest you ignore it. There are many people in the world that we don’t get along with and we need to allow our child to make friends with who they wish. It is part of the journey to adulthood and you don’t have to be friends with everyone they are friends with. As long as they are behaving responsibly then let them be friends - over time you might even get to like them.

Don’t tell your child what you don’t like about their friend - it usually doesn’t help. In fact, often it will bring them closer together rather than push them apart (teenagers can be stubborn you know). It can also put a strain on your relationship with your child - something to avoid for sure.,

If your concern is centred on the friends behaviours then I suggest you focus and comment on your child’s positive behaviours before criticising their friends.

If their friends are getting into trouble then don’t take it out on your kid or automatically assume your kid is going to get into trouble too. It could turn out to be a great learning opportunity. You may need to put some special conditions in place - being supervised, getting home by a certain time, keeping in more regular contact for example, but be careful not to restrict your teen too heavily just because of their friends behaviour.

As you teen gets older they are learning to make their own decisions - including who they have as their friends. The best way to influence their behaviour is to ensure you are one of their friends too!

Posted: November 27th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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From time to time it is good to assess where we are as a family, and I just want to provide you with a list of 7 areas that would warrant your consideration. Ask yourself, as openly and honestly as you can - how are we travelling as a family in each of these areas. It is also a good idea to think about each individual member and consider what their response might be. If they are ‘of an age’ then you can ask them directly - it will make for a great dinner table discussion [or a series of discussions!]

So - how are you with:

1. Caring - is there a general caring atmosphere in your family? Who cares for the carers?
2. Respect - is there respect both from younger to older as well as older to younger?
3. Flexibility - are you willing to put yourself out for someone else? Are there individuals who seem to be taking advantage of others by expecting them to flex their way but not the other way round?
4. Expressive - are you able to be open with each other, to celebrate the good times and to brainstorm the difficult times?
5. Responsible - does everyone play their part? Or is it the same person leaving laundry on the floor for someone else to pick up? [Just as an example]
6. Initiating - do you have to tell everyone what to do - e.g. emptying the dishwasher - or do they take the initiative?
7. Realistic - does everyone have a realistic view of each other and of the family as a whole? Or are there some expecting the ‘earth’ - e.g. latest gadgets?

The list is not exhaustive and I am willing to accept additional items - it is just designed to be a conversation starter. Enjoy!

Posted: November 24th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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Many of you will have noticed that young people have developed a skill (or is it an art) of communicating without unnecessary vowels. This trend has been started due to the need to limit the characters in any message to 160 - as set by mobile phone companies.

This has also been carried into the world of Instant Messaging - try your hand at this message and see how you fare:

My smmr hols wr CWOT M8, B4 we used 2go2 LDN 2C my bro, his gf + thr 3 :-0 kids FTF. ILLDN, its a gr8 plc! ATM POS!

I will strategically place a picture here to give you some brain space to think it through without the answer appearing in your line of sight.

So here we go - the full English version:

My summer holidays were a complete waste of time, mate. Before we used to go to London to see my brother, his girlfriend and their three kids face to face. I love London it’s a great place.. At the moment, parent over shoulder.

[The final statement being a caution to their friend to tone down any language and also to let them know the conversation may change a little or slow down]

So - how did you go?

Posted: November 9th, 2007 under Communication, Understanding Teenagers.
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Stacey raises a very valid point that we often overlook:

But I have to tell you, there are a lot of great kids and teenagers out there, too. Children who care about their families, their goals, their grades, their behaviour, their reputation, their community, their work ethic. Kids who are actively creating a balanced, successful and conscientious life for themselves.

There are heaps of teenagers that want to do the right thing but they get swamped by the high maintenance young people who seem to be constantly pushing the boundaries.

Why not, this week, take a concept that I originally heard of in a business management book where Ken Blanchard talked about trying to find people doing something good. Give that a try with your teenagers - actively look for them doing or saying something positive this week, and when you spot it ensure that you comment on it to them. The benefit will be an improved self esteem, a healthier relationship and greater harmony in your home.

All for free! Juts for noticing and commenting on good behaviour rather than our natural ability to spot errors and mistakes - and we rarely fail to comment on those.

Posted: October 25th, 2007 under Communication, Parents.
Comments: none

1 When I was your age ….

Actually it doesn’t matter what you say when you get to that point in the sentence because the young person has already switched off and isn’t listening. In fact, if you have been on the advanced training
course on understanding teenagers, you will be able to read the lcd screen just inside their forehead it will be clearly stating yeah right, whatever.

Seriously though, you probably were never their age well chronologically and numerically you were but when you were their age the world was a totally different place. Research has shown that there are 3 main things missing from society today that were
readily available when I was a teenager and those deficits make the world a different place. [I have written an article about the 3 things]

2. Sticks and stones may break ….

Put another way, don’t worry what other people say to you or say about you because it doesn’t matter. Now I realise that we shouldn’t get our sense of worth from other peoples opinions and if we are being picked on at school or wherever, that we should learn to rise
above it and find coping mechanisms. So, your intention is probably sound it just comes across as ignore them, don’t be so soft, rise above it, or as Australians are fond of saying get over it

3. I will do that for you.

Now I am in trouble with all the teenagers that read this article because that is exactly what they want to hear, but it isn’t good for them. Part of the process of adolescence involves growing up into
responsibilities that previously were undertaken by our parent. Incidentally I blame my mother for not being able to iron, she never taught me now I realise I could learn, but it is easier to learn
when you are younger [well that’s my excuse!]

4. For goodness sake, pull yourself together

The teenage years are a time of intense and fluctuating emotions often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control and that no one understands. If they
feel vulnerable and are in tears the above comment can be read as rejection in a big way. They have not yet achieved a settled identity and part of the emotions is establishing who they are.

5. If you do that one more time Ill …..

OK, I will admit this one can be acceptable but only if you are prepared to actually do what you are threatening them with and can legally carry it out. I am sick of hearing parents in supermarkets
threaten their children with empty threats it generates something in me that wants me to say If I hear you threaten that one more time Ill … Hmm maybe its a natural response but an unacceptable
one nevertheless.

6. When you are older you will understand

Again, this one has truth in it, but it isn’t accepted or understood by the vast majority of young people. In some sense it is an adolescent version of those words we vowed we would never say, but invariably comes out at the end of a list of why questions because I said so. When you are older fits that category in that it doesn’t help the young person understand the argument.

7. Just you wait till Dad gets home

As a Dad this line just sucks. It sets me up as the bad guy in a no win situation and usually results in a request for discipline without adequate information. Either deal with the event as it
happens or tell me about it when I get home just don’t announce that you decided to take the tell me option.

8. You’re Useless
9. If only you were more like your older sister
10. That’s quite good …. For you!
11. You wont manage to do that

These all fall into a similar category, negative words when they should be hearing words of affirmation. Words dependent on their performance when they should be receiving unconditional love.
Affirmation will become the subject of an article on its own in coming month look out for it [and feel free to remind me I said this!]

12. Dads gone away for a few days

In this age of marriage breakdown and parents splitting up it is very difficult to communicate the facts to children, whatever their age. However, lying or pretending are never valid options. As hard
as it will be, it is always better to tell the truth short-term gain for long term pain, or short term pain for long term gain. You know it makes sense!

Posted: October 16th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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