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The pressures of society are creating an increase of absent parents. I am not referring to those who are absent through divorced or separation but rather those 2 career families or single parents who are out at work. What can be done when our employment takes us away from the family home for either extended or frequent periods of time. Ultimately we face the choice of changing jobs - but I fully understand that could be a last resort, if it were possible at all. So what can the family do to reduce the stress on the resident teens?

Open communication always works best, so it will be good for you as a family to sit around a table and talk the situation through. Explain the reasoning, the financial implication, the future plans with your son/daughter. They will certainly appreciate you taking them into your confidence and will almost every time respond positively. If, as a family, you recognise it as a difficulty then you will put in the necessary extra effort to make it work.

Keeping your promises is essential. Trust is very difficult to maintain if you frequently say one thing and do another. I (and your teen) will appreciate there are times when things happen - but they should be the exception and not the rule. So, if you are going to be away for 3 days then be home on day 4.

Keeping in contact is so easy - there are no excuses. Depending on your situation I suggest logging onto MSN on your laptop and chatting online, sending a text message to their cell phone, maybe even using a phone to actually speak, or why not be antiquated and post them a card. (If you will be home before the postman delivers it then you could always send it as you go rather than when you arrive - or from time to time write it and leave it in their school bag or under their pillow).

When you are at home - be at home. If you have been away all week then Saturday is not the time to play golf but to spend it with your family. I know, but you also know it’s the best thing. If golf is an absolute essential then why not take the family and teach them how to play?

Occasionally it would be good to make the business trip a family one, or if your child is the right age, take them with you - they will probably think the hotel is great (even though you are probably unimpressed with them and have been for a long time).

Never hurts to bring a present home either - a momento from your trip especially if you go somewhere different, or to bring back a sports item, or photos. Start a family tradition by taking something unique and different (a stuffed animal, a favourite rugby ball (see photo!), a picture, a sculpture or whatever) and take photos with it in unusual places or prominent buildings. A little fun can go a long way. I know someone who stole next doors stone dog that was a door stop and took it on holiday with them and brought it home safe with a photo record of its adventures.

One thing is for sure - if you have to be away then with a little effort you can involve your whole family and reduce the stress and strain.

Posted: October 13th, 2007 under Communication, Parents.
Comments: none

What is your immediate response to conflict? Do you wish it didn’t exist or could be eliminated from life completely? Do you always back off and do nothing in a quest for and a belief in ‘anything for a quiet life’?

So if conflict is inevitable what are some of the keys to dealing with it effectively?

1. Don’t attack the person, rather challenge the behaviour. A young person can cope with you saying they can do better, can turn that C grade into a B grade, that B into an A, but they can’t handle you saying how they’re no good, they’re stupid and they’re a failure. They will begin to believe it for themselves and fall into the classic self-fulfilling prophecies.
2. Stick to the issue that is current. Don’t drag into the argument all the other times when you have felt let down.
3. Remember the power of the tongue. The Bible likens it to the power of a rudder to steer a ship - a small thing but with huge impact. Your words could affect their lives [sounds dramatic but its true]
4. Remember the power of sorry. The silliest statement to come out of Hollywood was, ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’ On the contrary, love means always having to say you’re sorry.
5. Recognise the ‘inner lawyer’ who always fights your corner. If you have set down family principles, or if there are group rules before the teenage years, these will be working for you during adolescence.
6. Remember the power of forgiveness. We have all been forgiven at one time or other and know how good it feels to be restored.

Whatever your desires, unfortunately it is not good for you or the teenager to avoid conflict at all costs. You may want the quiet life but you could end up doing more harm than good. The consequences could be more negative and far reaching than dealing with the issue:

• It may stop the relationship from deepening and developing.
• It may stop them from facing problems and dealing with them in an effective way.
• It may allow them to manipulate us through our giving-in.
• It may damage your self-esteem as parents, or just as people.

Finally, experts used to talk in terms of “conflict resolution” - finding an end to conflict. They have changed their vocabulary to “conflict management” recognising that conflict isn’t about to go away so it is better to learn how to manage it and its effects.

Tags: parenting, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, teenagers, teens, troubled teens

Posted: October 10th, 2007 under Communication.
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Well it has been a month since this blog got resuscitated and in the process I have learnt a few things I want to share - my blog tips! The initial start of the blog was about a year ago and I couldn’t solve a Feedburner issue which meant I had no idea if people were subscribing or not - so I left it on the back burner. Now, with a new plug in, I know the answer to the question of subscribers and I can watch it grow.

So, the relaunch taught me these things:

• Read, read and read some more on the topic of blogging. Most of the material is available free online [although I did borrow a book from my local library on the topic]. The two best courses that I came across are Kian Ann’s Blogopreneur and Better Business Blogging - go check them out.
• Bite the bullet and, whenever possible, download Wordpress onto your own server. All the experts say that the control is worth it. I am not an expert in these things but I can use an FTP program and that is all you need. Two Wordpress tips would be:
  • Be cautious with the plug ins. There are so many out there that they can be overwhelming. Just take it one step at a time and read, read and read until you find the ones you want to try.
  • Play with themes. There is no way I could write my own but again there are plenty out there for you to try - many of them free of charge. Plenty to get you started at least.
• Start! Write, write and write. It’s a bit like waiting until you can afford it before you start a family - you never will afford it on paper but it all works out. If you wait until you blog is totally ready before you start it may never happen - so just do it- write something.
• Focus! Stick with your topic (now I can hear some of you saying what has this post got to do with Understanding Teenagers - well one thing for sure is that the vast majority of my readers are familiar with blogs, so this one is for them!). Build a reputation as an expert in your field.
• Final tip: leave the rest and learn as you go along. On my learning list is SEO (any tips anyone?) - I am reading about it all, learning as I go along and have extended my vocabulary considerably (trackback, pingback) - but they aren’t essential at this stage.

If you were thinking of starting your own blog then give it a go, start today/this weekend.

Posted: October 4th, 2007 under Communication.
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