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Just like a snowflake or a fingerprint, every child is unique in their own special way. Every child has a unique way of feeling, thinking, and interacting with others. Some children are shy, while others are outgoing; some are active, while others are calm; some are fretful, while others are easy-going. As a loving and nurturing parent, it’s your job to encourage them to embrace their uniqueness and celebrate their individual qualities.

Allow your child to express themselves through their interests. They may find a creative outlet in theatre, dancing or art, or they may be exceptionally talented in the sciences. Encourage them to embrace what they like to do, what interests them, and what makes them happy. Help them realize that they don’t need to worry about being ‘like everyone else.’

Teach your child to make positive choices, and praise them for good deeds, behaviours and positive traits they possess. Encourage them to become actively involved in their community, and introduce them to activities that promote a sense of cooperation and accomplishment. Be firm yet fair when handing down discipline for misdeeds or misbehaviours, and make certain the rules and consequences for breaking the rules are clearly defined. Show a cooperative, loving and united front with your spouse when it comes to discipline.

Accept and celebrate your child’s uniqueness. Remember that your child is an individual. Allow your child to have his or her own personal preferences and feelings, which may be different from your own.
And finally, encourage your child to be true to themselves by doing the same. Show your child how to make positive choices with the choices you make, and that nobody is perfect and you too make mistakes. Show your child that mistakes can be a great learning experience, and that they should not be ashamed or embarrassed about making them. .

Posted: November 21st, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
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Adolescence is a period of rapid physical growth with the result that they are always tired, always hungry, always clumsy, and always irritable. As they grow fast, so they eat a lot. Their emotions are worn-out by physical change, so they become short-tempered and display a tendency to victimise siblings. It is helpful to know that all teenagers are awkward, not just yours. Their bodies are growing so fast their brains have not caught up and so they tend to knock things over and lose the control they had when younger. All in all, change equals stress!

It is at this time when the cry from people is often heard, ‘You clumsy oaf!’ This is not helpful, try to think how your teenager is feeling. She may have enjoyed ballet for a number of years but has suddenly grown to the point where the movements are no longer second nature and are even painful; he may no longer be selected for the football team having always been good at sport and your personal attack may scar him for life. Some young women (and, more rarely, young men) get so anxious about their appearance they take drastic measures to try and change the way they look and may even fall prey to eating disorders. Your love and affirmation will help them through this time. What young people need at this stage in their physical development is understanding.

For some young people physical growth doesn’t happen soon enough. I remember being a ‘late developer’ not becoming an average height until I was 16 years old [thankfully there was one person who was shorter than me!]. Re-read section A - the time for acceptance not criticism.

From my low level I envied all the tall ones. I now realise that they too got teased and called names. Perhaps this is one area of your life, at least for this specific time, that it is a good thing to be ‘just average’.

We suggest keeping a growth chart with dates and heights on, say, the doorpost to the kitchen. It will be a reminder how quickly they are growing and an opportunity to talk about the changes that are taking place. You could even remind them of the time you used to do this when they first started walking. Make it into a family ritual - a fun time.

Posted: November 18th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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In a recent blog post, Aspen Education Group wrote:

“Friends with benefits” is a term today’s teenagers and college students use for couples who have sex but are not romantically in love.

I have been aware of the use of this phrase for quite some time. However, I don’t think I have ever seen it written down or defined. Seeing it in print renewed my unease with the whole concept.

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that such relationships are common. About 60% of 125 students surveyed at Michigan State University reported having had a “friend with benefits” relationship. Only one-tenth of these couples became full-scale romances. About a third stayed friends but stopped having sex, and a fourth broke off altogether. The rest remained “friends with benefits.”

Of course with statistics we never really know how reliable they are when extrapolated [good word?] out to the general population. In real figures that means that out of the 125 surveyed 24 of them are still ‘enjoying’ a friend with benefits situation.

“We found that people got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first,” Dr. Timothy Levine observed. “But there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.” The couples usually never talked about one subject: their relationships.

And therein lies the two issues : a lack of commitment and an inability to talk about their relationship.

On scales of intimacy, “friends with benefits” score low on passion and commitment.

If they score low on intimacy and passion then it makes me ask the question - ‘why bother’? But then again the answer comes to mind immediately - it’s just an answer I don’t want to acknowledge!

Posted: November 15th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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1. Maintain a daily routine

As much as possible try to follow a set pattern each day. On school days get the family out of bed at the same time, have a shower/bathroom roster, breakfast together, leave the house in good time for school transport. All these little things help young people feel secure and safe.

2. Make a fuss on special days

Go wild on birthdays - help them feel that your family parties like no other. It doesn’t need to take heaps of money - be creative. If it’s winter and likely to snow then make the day a toboggan Olympics or the largest snowman ever, or the snowball fight to end all snowball fights.

Food always works - try the largest banana split in the world (to give you an idea it involves using a clan drain pipe).

3. Include children in decision making

Children begin to feel uneasy, afraid and insecure when they don’t know what is happening. When huge decisions are taken and they feel in the dark. The answer is simple - involve them in the discussion. It will need to be age sensitive but don’t assume they haven’t already worked out something is going on.

4. Affirm their worth regularly

Adolescence is a scary journey and is often riddled with a sense of just not being good enough. If we seek out opportunities to affirm their worth (and take every one we get) then we will be shaping their self esteem - making it more and more healthy. A healthy self esteem equals a happy teenager. And what do happy teenagers make? - happy parents!

5. Encourage parent substitutes in their life.

Home life will be more stable if our teenagers relate well to other caring adults. If they connect with a family member, neighbour or youth worker then that takes some of the parental load, gives another person’s perspective and allows for our teen to (occasionally) raise some issues about us.

6. Keep consistent boundaries

All of us benefit from clear, well defined boundaries even though it seems to be human nature for us to push them a little (as an example car drivers and speed limits). Having said that the key word here is consistent. If there are two parents/adults then it works best if the boundaries have been pre-agreed and don’t vary from one parent to the other. The boundaries need to be the same day in and day out too.

Posted: November 12th, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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This article provides balance to my earlier post on 7 things teens don’t like about their parents - here are things they DO like:

When parents act naturally

Part of growing up is understanding people, learning how they act and think - observing behaviours as young people try and work out who they are. So they love it when their parents can be real; when they don’t need to act intelligent, or to act strong, or to act calm but to allow them into some of the real conflicts that the adult world provides. When we show emotion, we hug them - just being ourselves.

When parents talk on their level as adults

Transactional analysis shows that we communicate on 1 of 3 basic levels (parent, child and adult) and our teens love it when we talk to them adult to adult. (Now I am the first to admit that it is not always possible to do this when they are acting like children). When we discuss and debater rather than dictate; when we negotiate rather than mandate; when we listen rather than just talk. try it - you will be surprised at how adult they can be (and how hard it is for them to not do what we ask when we ask it in an adult way).

When parents are firm

In contrast to their stated opinion young people love it when the boundaries are clearly stated and we are firm. Of course they will constantly seek to push them and stretch deadlines but they know it is good for them when we stick to our decisions. I don’t mean that we will never negotiate but I do mean we won’t be walked over.

When parents are polite to their friends

I am a firm believer on inviting their friends round to our house as often as possible - we can learn a great deal from knowing which people they hang out with. Whenever I do come into contact with my children’s friends - whoever they are and whatever they look like - I am always polite. It is a respectful thing to do and the opposite is totally unacceptable from your child’s point of view. IF you have issues then you can always talk them through (adult to adult) when the moment arrives - and that is never when the friend is there.

When their privacy is respected

Looking in diaries, walking into bedrooms, listening in to phone calls are NOT options to caring parents. Our teenagers are becoming adults and have a right to expect privacy - not just physically (bedroom, bathroom etc) but emotionally (diary) as well. If we have a concern then we should talk it out not snoop around.

Posted: November 3rd, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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This is one of 2 posts [the next will be along in 3 days] about what kids do and don’t like in parents - but seeing as human nature finds the negative easier than the positive - I thought I would get the negative stuff out of the way first.

Anger

Of course they realise that parents are human and emotional beings, but they don’t like to see angry parents. Especially if they are angry at each other (Mum and Dad fighting) and it doesn’t help when they are disciplined by a parent in an angry state. Please keep your arguments in private and never tell someone off until you have calmed down.

Negativity

Life can be a struggle for many people, hurdles to jump, mountains to climb - and none more so as they travel through adolescence. At this crucial time in their life they need people who believe in them, will encourage them, spur them on to high and lofty goals - not negative, put down types of people. Always look on the bright side of life!

Nagging

Ancient wisdom states ‘a nagging wife is like a dripping tap’ - a nagging parent in like one too. Now I understand our teens don’t always do as they are told and don’t do it quickly enough but nagging simply doesn’t work. it doesn’t work for them (they may eventually do it but thats despite the nagging) and it doesn’t work for us (we just get stressed).

Inappropriate behaviour

In many ways we are models for our kids so if we do stuff that isn’t appropriate then they will likely follow suit. It is hard to define inappropriate as the circumstances will vary dramatically - but the could include : smoking; smoking more than tobacco;overtly sexual activity in front of your children (and I am a strong advocate for affection between parents - but there are limits) - maybe even continuous computer usage?

Parents acting like teenagers

Sorry but it isn’t cool to try and use all the teen language; or to dress like you were 19 again - other kids think it is amusing our kids know it is plain embarrassing. It is always best to act your age.

Living parents lives through their teenagers

This one is a big one. If you didn’t make it as a doctor, or teacher or rock star or whatever then it is never appropriate for you to expect your children to follow your dream. Let them have their own dream, follow their own destiny.

Favouritism

It is easy (maybe even normal?) to have favourites. Some of our kids are simply more like us - or more like our spouse (the one we loved so much we married!). BUT - it is not the done thing for that favouritism to show. And while we are here it is never acceptable to do the comparison thing either - ‘your grades aren’t as good as your sister’s’ etc.

Posted: October 31st, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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Nancy Brown, in a recent post entitled Birth Control in Middle School made the following comment.

It amazes me that the same society that sexualizes young girls, sells every product known to humankind with sexuality, and encourages young girls to fixate on their appearance and sex appeal, finds providing the healthcare required by the consequences of those activities inappropriate and a violation of parental rights.

I’ll tell you what is a violation of my rights as a parent - that I cannot protect my children from exposure to sexuality, drugs, alcohol, and smoking without limiting their freedom. All I can do as a parent is talk to them, and mitigate the perception that “everyone” is doing it, and that participation in those risky activities is the way to become popular, successful, and strong.

The concluding paragraph needs to be both applauded and the challenge considered by individuals, groups and society as a whole.

Well said Nancy!

Posted: October 28th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
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Stacey raises a very valid point that we often overlook:

But I have to tell you, there are a lot of great kids and teenagers out there, too. Children who care about their families, their goals, their grades, their behaviour, their reputation, their community, their work ethic. Kids who are actively creating a balanced, successful and conscientious life for themselves.

There are heaps of teenagers that want to do the right thing but they get swamped by the high maintenance young people who seem to be constantly pushing the boundaries.

Why not, this week, take a concept that I originally heard of in a business management book where Ken Blanchard talked about trying to find people doing something good. Give that a try with your teenagers - actively look for them doing or saying something positive this week, and when you spot it ensure that you comment on it to them. The benefit will be an improved self esteem, a healthier relationship and greater harmony in your home.

All for free! Juts for noticing and commenting on good behaviour rather than our natural ability to spot errors and mistakes - and we rarely fail to comment on those.

Posted: October 25th, 2007 under Communication, Parents.
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Some time ago (I have just discovered the Connect with Kids blog) Stacey wrote a post entitled Roots and Wings - go check it out. In it she concluded with:

There’s an old saying that “the best gifts we can give our children are roots, then wings.”

Here is our take on the topic:

One very helpful analysis currently popular, describes the role of adults as providing young people with Roots and Wings.

Let me explain: ‘Roots. Young people must have communicated to them a sense of stability, security: a sense of belonging, a sense of identity: a frame of reference, so that who I am is firmly established and what we stand for is firmly defined. The young person also needs Wings. That is, they need to create within themselves a sense of imagination. The Bible says that when people no longer dream dreams or have visions, they perish. It is so important that we get young people to dream dreams; help them to imagine what they could be; help them to conceptualise in their imagination what the future might be if God has his way with them. To dream dreams, to help a child believe in himself.’

When we consider the journey of adolescence we would do well to look into these twin ideas and analyse the extent to which we can give to the young people roots and wings. Then in the light of that examination plan ways in which they can do continue and improve.

Claire Short in her book, ‘Parenting Teenagers’ writes, ‘All too often obsessive protection is confused with love. It isn’t. It can be a totally selfish act by parents, stunting their children’s emotional development and preventing them from coping in today’s society.’ We need to be aware of the dangers of over-protection. By picking up kids at the school - taking them everywhere may, say some psychologists, breed a generation which grows up feeling it is perilous to be independent, without confidence in their own competence they will lack self esteem and the skills to survive and raise a family.

During their teenage years they will be looking for greater and greater independence and your main task is to establish their competence and readiness for the world of adulthood. Security is vital during these developing years and, in our experience, this need for security does not stop when the young person goes off to university. It is helpful to remember that your teenager’s readiness for independence is a sign of success.

NB. Recent research indicates that the parents are still the strongest influence on their adolescent children - despite all the increases in pressure from peers and the media. These secondary influences often shape decisions at a transitory and superficial level, the fashions of the moment, but the long-term development of character, personality and values flows primarily from parents.

Posted: October 22nd, 2007 under Parents.
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Posted: October 19th, 2007 under Parents.
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