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In a recent blog post, Aspen Education Group wrote:

“Friends with benefits” is a term today’s teenagers and college students use for couples who have sex but are not romantically in love.

I have been aware of the use of this phrase for quite some time. However, I don’t think I have ever seen it written down or defined. Seeing it in print renewed my unease with the whole concept.

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that such relationships are common. About 60% of 125 students surveyed at Michigan State University reported having had a “friend with benefits” relationship. Only one-tenth of these couples became full-scale romances. About a third stayed friends but stopped having sex, and a fourth broke off altogether. The rest remained “friends with benefits.”

Of course with statistics we never really know how reliable they are when extrapolated [good word?] out to the general population. In real figures that means that out of the 125 surveyed 24 of them are still ‘enjoying’ a friend with benefits situation.

“We found that people got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first,” Dr. Timothy Levine observed. “But there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.” The couples usually never talked about one subject: their relationships.

And therein lies the two issues : a lack of commitment and an inability to talk about their relationship.

On scales of intimacy, “friends with benefits” score low on passion and commitment.

If they score low on intimacy and passion then it makes me ask the question - ‘why bother’? But then again the answer comes to mind immediately - it’s just an answer I don’t want to acknowledge!

Posted: November 15th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

Nancy Brown, in a recent post entitled Birth Control in Middle School made the following comment.

It amazes me that the same society that sexualizes young girls, sells every product known to humankind with sexuality, and encourages young girls to fixate on their appearance and sex appeal, finds providing the healthcare required by the consequences of those activities inappropriate and a violation of parental rights.

I’ll tell you what is a violation of my rights as a parent - that I cannot protect my children from exposure to sexuality, drugs, alcohol, and smoking without limiting their freedom. All I can do as a parent is talk to them, and mitigate the perception that “everyone” is doing it, and that participation in those risky activities is the way to become popular, successful, and strong.

The concluding paragraph needs to be both applauded and the challenge considered by individuals, groups and society as a whole.

Well said Nancy!

Posted: October 28th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
Comments: none

1 When I was your age ….

Actually it doesn’t matter what you say when you get to that point in the sentence because the young person has already switched off and isn’t listening. In fact, if you have been on the advanced training
course on understanding teenagers, you will be able to read the lcd screen just inside their forehead it will be clearly stating yeah right, whatever.

Seriously though, you probably were never their age well chronologically and numerically you were but when you were their age the world was a totally different place. Research has shown that there are 3 main things missing from society today that were
readily available when I was a teenager and those deficits make the world a different place. [I have written an article about the 3 things]

2. Sticks and stones may break ….

Put another way, don’t worry what other people say to you or say about you because it doesn’t matter. Now I realise that we shouldn’t get our sense of worth from other peoples opinions and if we are being picked on at school or wherever, that we should learn to rise
above it and find coping mechanisms. So, your intention is probably sound it just comes across as ignore them, don’t be so soft, rise above it, or as Australians are fond of saying get over it

3. I will do that for you.

Now I am in trouble with all the teenagers that read this article because that is exactly what they want to hear, but it isn’t good for them. Part of the process of adolescence involves growing up into
responsibilities that previously were undertaken by our parent. Incidentally I blame my mother for not being able to iron, she never taught me now I realise I could learn, but it is easier to learn
when you are younger [well that’s my excuse!]

4. For goodness sake, pull yourself together

The teenage years are a time of intense and fluctuating emotions often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control and that no one understands. If they
feel vulnerable and are in tears the above comment can be read as rejection in a big way. They have not yet achieved a settled identity and part of the emotions is establishing who they are.

5. If you do that one more time Ill …..

OK, I will admit this one can be acceptable but only if you are prepared to actually do what you are threatening them with and can legally carry it out. I am sick of hearing parents in supermarkets
threaten their children with empty threats it generates something in me that wants me to say If I hear you threaten that one more time Ill … Hmm maybe its a natural response but an unacceptable
one nevertheless.

6. When you are older you will understand

Again, this one has truth in it, but it isn’t accepted or understood by the vast majority of young people. In some sense it is an adolescent version of those words we vowed we would never say, but invariably comes out at the end of a list of why questions because I said so. When you are older fits that category in that it doesn’t help the young person understand the argument.

7. Just you wait till Dad gets home

As a Dad this line just sucks. It sets me up as the bad guy in a no win situation and usually results in a request for discipline without adequate information. Either deal with the event as it
happens or tell me about it when I get home just don’t announce that you decided to take the tell me option.

8. You’re Useless
9. If only you were more like your older sister
10. That’s quite good …. For you!
11. You wont manage to do that

These all fall into a similar category, negative words when they should be hearing words of affirmation. Words dependent on their performance when they should be receiving unconditional love.
Affirmation will become the subject of an article on its own in coming month look out for it [and feel free to remind me I said this!]

12. Dads gone away for a few days

In this age of marriage breakdown and parents splitting up it is very difficult to communicate the facts to children, whatever their age. However, lying or pretending are never valid options. As hard
as it will be, it is always better to tell the truth short-term gain for long term pain, or short term pain for long term gain. You know it makes sense!

Posted: October 16th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
Comments: none

A great book for you to read as a parent, youth worker or carer is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers you can then pass it on to those young people you care for. It is written by Sean Covey (Stephen’s son for those who have read the world top selling 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).

Sean’s concepts are the same but re-written from a teenager’s point of view, in a really entertaining style. In keeping with the aim of getting teenagers to read it (and follow its principles) the book is full of cartoons (pictures still work for me at my age!), practical ideas, quotes and stories from young people from across the globe. There are a few surprise things along the way too. Wherever you look there are inspiring stories of teenagers who have succeeded in life despite real set backs and hurdles; there are practical guides to take you through the ideas of the 7 habits - putting them into action list format.

Sean grew up with his dad practising the seven habits on the family, so he has learned them thoroughly. The seven habits are:

• be proactive
• begin with the end in mind
• put first things first
• think win-win
• seek first to understand, then to be understood
• synergise
• sharpen the saw.

There is also a section of the alter-habits: ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Defective Teens”, including put last things first etc.

I think the balance is right - humorous yet thoughtful, fun yet practical - why not give it a try?

Posted: October 8th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
Comments: none

Commentators agree that adolescence can be broken down into key stages. Narramore and Lewis, in ‘Parenting Teens’, establish four bands of youth in which distinctive patterns of behaviour can be seen. They label these pre, early, middle and late adolescence. Pre-adolescence, extends from 10 to 12, early adolescence from 13 to 14.

Recognising that cultural change is bringing the actual start-point of adolescence earlier, we have ignored this preparatory stage, and assumed a stage from 11-14, widely acknowledged to be the modern day entry point into ‘teenage years’. Our research indicates an overall lowering of the cultural thresholds of adolescence, so that in practice the issues faced by 16 year olds in, say 1965, will be faced by 11 and 12 year olds today. It is important for parents to recognise this and to be ready for the teenage years to start earlier than was their own experience.

We have identified three stages, equivalent approximately to 11-14, 15-17 and 18-21. Research indicates that these stages are distinguished by the different emphasis on dependency.

Phase 1 Dependent but looking outward:
Discovery and Experiment, from the relative safety of belonging.
Phase 2 Inter-dependent:
Changing feelings and attitudes: Contact with the real world, contradictions of wanting both the freedom of independence and the security of belonging.
Phase 3 Independence:
Consolidation, personal choice, growing responsibilities of independent adult life.

Narramore and Lewis draw a parallel between these adolescent stages and three key stages in the development of an infant, as the totally dependent baby develops the separate identity of a child:
‘The Practising Years’ (10-16 months), when the infant wants to try everything, to experiment, to learn by trial and error.
‘The re-approaching years’ (16-24 months), when the infant makes forays into independence, playing for longer periods alone, etc. but needs a strong, dependent relationship to come back into at will.
‘The Consolidation Years’ (24-36 months), when the infant tries out its new identity as a separate person and learns increasingly to stand on its own two feet.
Dr Bruce Narramore and Dr Vern C Lewis, Parenting Teens, Tyndale 1990

As well as helping to understand adolescence, this parallel also points to an important factor: that often those who have had a difficult time through these stages of infancy will experience similar difficulties in adolescence. Those who enter adolescence with insecurities gained in infancy will often be shaken by those same insecurities as teens.

NB: It is important that these stages are not understood legalistically or rigidly. Different individuals, in different circumstances, will pass through these changes at different speeds, and sometimes unevenly. Boys and girls will tend to change and grow at an uneven pace, and individuals may be at stage 3 in one area of their lives but still hovering between 1 and 2 in another area.

Posted: October 7th, 2007 under Teenager.
Comments: 1

At the time this event occurred Daniel was 10 and Ben was 12 - two brothers, the son’s of our friends. We were visiting their house that night - New Year’s Eve I think (it was a few years ago). The night went really well and it was getting near the time for the boys to go to bed. We were all sitting in the room and I decided to play my question game - the boys agreed.

The game is played quite simply - I ask a question and they give me their answer. I was the only ‘adult’ talking so my wife and their parents were just observers.

The questions started simply:

• What is your favourite subject at school?
• What teacher do you enjoy the most?
• Which teacher do you not like?

Slowly they started to require a little more thinking:

• What would you like to do after school?
• Where would you like to live in later life?
• What profession would you like as an adult?

Then into the deeper aspects of life:

• What is your plan/purpose/dream for your life?
• What are your views on God, religion and life after death?
• What will your wife be like?
• What is your perspective on government policies.

The lads [and I] had a ball! Time came for bed although [as to be expected] they just didn’t want to go.

The best part of the conversation, though, was with the parents after the boys had been settled down. They were astounded at the understanding and insight their sons had.

I understood, of course, that they saw them as their two little boys, remembered them as babies, watched carefully over every step of their life to date. I saw them as 2 young men, aspiring adults, people with views, interests, questions of their own. People of the future not children of the past.

How do you see others?

Posted: October 1st, 2007 under Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

This is the first generation where wisdom is not automatically flowing down from the older to the younger generation - specifically in the area of technology. How many grandparents ask their 10 year old grandchild to show them how to work the DVD player? How many of our children understand the computer more than we do?

Derek Semmler makes an interesting point over on Dad Balance when he says:

There are times when it may feel like you are supposed to have all the answers and know how to do just about anything. If you encounter a time where you don’t know, you might even fake it well enough that everyone thinks you know.
But did you know that not knowing how to do something could be a very rewarding experience?

If we are able to put aside any insecurities we can not only learn things from our children but they can learn a lot more from us. We get our DVD working, our video recording automatically, our computer functioning better - but they get to understand humility, being teachable, they have value. A classic win-win situation.

Posted: September 29th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
Comments: none

Trust is an interesting thing. One of life’s mysteries in the sense that it is easy to recognise but kinda hard to define - not so much the word but the ‘knowing’ whether or not to trust someone. It’s kinda intuitive - which by definition is beyond definition.

I am a youthworker, working in high schools [amongst other places] and I had a recent opportunity that demonstrated trust.

Let me explain - and before I get into the detail - let me tell you that I have randomly changed the names of people to protect their identity, so if you are local to me then - no - you can’t work it out.

I will call him Kevin.

I know Kevin quite well, we have chatted about life, about anger, about his parents, about his girlfriend. In some sense the level of conversation [which continues on MSN most evenings] so I could have argued that Kevin trusted me - and he does.

The way he demonstrated it was a definite first for me - and may well be a last [I am not seeking a repeat opportunity for sure!].

He and 2 friends came into my school office, laughing and joking and asking if I was free and if I had some time for them. My instant response was ‘no - go to class’ as I sensed they were just seeking a place to hide away from doing any school work. It was not so - Kevin had a problem - a deep seated problem - so deep seated he couldn’t deal with it himself and needed a helping hand.

He had sat on a picnic bench, slid along it and acquired a splinter in the body part he was using to sit with. There was NO WAY he wanted his mates to help him - so he asked me. I was honoured - well kind of.

The next few minutes were spent removing unwanted items out of Kevin’s 16 year old buttock - it was not an easy task. A definite sense of trust in me and a steady hand.

When and how did your teen demonstrate their trust in you?

Posted: September 4th, 2007 under Teenager.
Comments: none