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Welcome to 2008 - as part of a streamlining process this blog has moved to a new home on our new domain.
The site is now on our Awesome Parents Website [the site is being built as we speak!]
The latest post is called Two Nice Young Men
See you over there.
Posted: January 14th, 2008 under Understanding Teenagers.
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Welcome to 2008 - as part of a streamlining process this blog has moved to a new home on our new domain.
The site is now on our Awesome Parents Website [the site is being built as we speak!]
The latest post is called What is Family to you?
See you over there.
Posted: January 11th, 2008 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none
I trust that you will fully enjoy the Christmas season and that you find some time to have a break. I am having a break from blogging but will be back early in 2008 - see you then!
Posted: December 24th, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
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Many parents struggle to get their teenagers to open up to them and allow them into their lives. It can sometimes seem that they are a closed book - one of those locked diaries maybe even with it’s own guard dog! From time to time it can seem impossible to get them to open up and allow you into their lives. Don’t give up!
Getting them to talk with you and for you to know about their lives can be a great way for you to protect them from danger, you can highlight things to them that they may not have been aware of. We are not suggesting that you spy and snoop, if you get your information that way them there will be very little you can do about it - and if they find out they will be very unhappy - to say the least.
Here are four ideas to get you started:
Start young - it is always easier to keep something going that has been a part of family life than to start a new tradition later in life. Of course you may hit some road blocks along the way but stick with it - the prize is well worth it.
Find common ground. Learn to be interested in what interests them, you will find they are more open to talk about those kinds of things. Yes, it means maybe listening to their music but it will form a platform to take the discussion deeper. Simply asking ‘how was school’ won’t get you very far.
Be open to what they say. Of course they may tell you things that you wish you didn’t know - either about themselves or their friends. Don’t appear shocked or react in a judgmental way because that will just cause them to close up. it is possible to tell them you disapprove of something without them feeling got at. If you can work through these things then they will surely come to you whenever they have a problem.
Spend more time together. In the busyness of life we can often skip spending time with your children. I often hear people talking about quality time but my experience has shown me that quality time only comes when there is quantity time. it isn’t possible to schedule quality time - that’s not how human relationships work. Many teenagers see the lack of time with their parents as a major concern. Here are 4 quick thoughts to help you
It may take some time to overcome their initial reluctance to open up but stay with it and the benefits you will get will be worth all the effort.
Posted: December 12th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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In case you hadn’t noticed, parenting teenagers can be a pressure based way of life. Here are 10 things that can cause that pressure - feel free to comment and add your own thoughts to the list:
Not necessarily in any order.
A couple of suggestions - OK so there are 3 …
Posted: December 6th, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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During the teenage years a young person’s home may resemble a busy railway terminus with people coming and going all the time. Some come only once while others become part of the furniture. You will also note a change during the adolescent years from a child being part of a group to being one of a couple each of the opposite sex. There is no age at which these changes take place and each young person is, of course, different.
These are times of intense and fluctuating emotions. The daughter who tells her parents she has found the man of her dreams and intends to marry him, is just as likely to bring a different boy home a fortnight later and declare the other one, ’sad!’ You will need to know that your young person will often need to be left alone in public, however, we recommend that appropriate hugs do not stop at the onset of adolescence. Obviously you need to choose your times to show affection in this way but hugs are an excellent way to keep parental affection flowing.
There is a lovely story about a Romanian orphanage where the conditions were dreadful and the neglected children were slowly but surely dying. However, the overstretched doctor noticed that on one ward the children were getting better. An investigation was started into the reasons for this change. Was it the nursing care that was making the difference? No, the same nurses were caring for many other wards as well as the one where improvement was seen. Was it the food, perhaps the lighting, the outlook, the way the sun caught this particular ward?
None of these things were found to be unique to this ward. Yet, the children were getting better. So the doctor decided to get up very early one morning and decided to monitor the ward for 24 hours to observe whether there was a lesson to be learned.
The first person to visit the ward that morning was the cleaning lady. She got on her hands and knees and washed the floor but as she got to the first cot she stopped, stood up, picked up the child and held it, cooing and aahing into the little face. After a while she put the child back, got on her hands and knees, went on washing till she got to the next cot. Here the same thing happened, she got up, picked up the child and held it, cooing and aahing into the little face. Then she got back down on her knees and washed the floor.
The doctor realised that this small act of holding the children and showing affection was making the difference for this was the only ward the woman cleaned. There is never a time in our lives when we do not need the flow of affection by physical touch.
Posted: December 3rd, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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Teenagers are social beings and they will often want to invite their friends home as well as go to visit them. They will have a wide range of friendships and it is just a matter of time before you are going to dislike at least one of them. Here are a few thoughts to help you keep things in perspective and to prevent a small issue growing into a big problem.
Your first thing to do is think about why you don’t like the specific 
person. It could be a case of different personalities clashing - if that’s the reason then I suggest you ignore it. There are many people in the world that we don’t get along with and we need to allow our child to make friends with who they wish. It is part of the journey to adulthood and you don’t have to be friends with everyone they are friends with. As long as they are behaving responsibly then let them be friends - over time you might even get to like them.
Don’t tell your child what you don’t like about their friend - it usually doesn’t help. In fact, often it will bring them closer together rather than push them apart (teenagers can be stubborn you know). It can also put a strain on your relationship with your child - something to avoid for sure.,
If your concern is centred on the friends behaviours then I suggest you focus and comment on your child’s positive behaviours before criticising their friends.
If their friends are getting into trouble then don’t take it out on your kid or automatically assume your kid is going to get into trouble too. It could turn out to be a great learning opportunity. You may need to put some special conditions in place - being supervised, getting home by a certain time, keeping in more regular contact for example, but be careful not to restrict your teen too heavily just because of their friends behaviour.
As you teen gets older they are learning to make their own decisions - including who they have as their friends. The best way to influence their behaviour is to ensure you are one of their friends too!
Posted: November 27th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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Adolescence is a period of rapid physical growth with the result that they are always tired, always hungry, always clumsy, and always irritable. As they grow fast, so they eat a lot. Their emotions are worn-out by physical change, so they become short-tempered and display a tendency to victimise siblings. It is helpful to know that all teenagers are awkward, not just yours. Their bodies are growing so fast their brains have not caught up and so they tend to knock things over and lose the control they had when younger. All in all, change equals stress!
It is at this time when the cry from people is often heard, ‘You clumsy oaf!’ This is not helpful, try to think how your teenager is feeling. She may have enjoyed ballet for a number of years but has suddenly grown to the point where the movements are no longer second nature and are even painful; he may no longer be selected for the football team having always been good at sport and your personal attack may scar him for life. Some young women (and, more rarely, young men) get so anxious about their appearance they take drastic measures to try and change the way they look and may even fall prey to eating disorders. Your love and affirmation will help them through this time. What young people need at this stage in their physical development is understanding.
For some young people physical growth doesn’t happen soon enough. I remember being a ‘late developer’ not becoming an average height until I was 16 years old [thankfully there was one person who was shorter than me!]. Re-read section A - the time for acceptance not criticism.
From my low level I envied all the tall ones. I now realise that they too got teased and called names. Perhaps this is one area of your life, at least for this specific time, that it is a good thing to be ‘just average’.
We suggest keeping a growth chart with dates and heights on, say, the doorpost to the kitchen. It will be a reminder how quickly they are growing and an opportunity to talk about the changes that are taking place. You could even remind them of the time you used to do this when they first started walking. Make it into a family ritual - a fun time.
Posted: November 18th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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In a recent blog post, Aspen Education Group wrote:
“Friends with benefits” is a term today’s teenagers and college students use for couples who have sex but are not romantically in love.
I have been aware of the use of this phrase for quite some time. However, I don’t think I have ever seen it written down or defined. Seeing it in print renewed my unease with the whole concept.
A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that such relationships are common. About 60% of 125 students surveyed at Michigan State University reported having had a “friend with benefits” relationship. Only one-tenth of these couples became full-scale romances. About a third stayed friends but stopped having sex, and a fourth broke off altogether. The rest remained “friends with benefits.”
Of course with statistics we never really know how reliable they are when extrapolated [good word?] out to the general population. In real figures that means that out of the 125 surveyed 24 of them are still ‘enjoying’ a friend with benefits situation.
“We found that people got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first,” Dr. Timothy Levine observed. “But there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.” The couples usually never talked about one subject: their relationships.
And therein lies the two issues : a lack of commitment and an inability to talk about their relationship.
On scales of intimacy, “friends with benefits” score low on passion and commitment.
If they score low on intimacy and passion then it makes me ask the question - ‘why bother’? But then again the answer comes to mind immediately - it’s just an answer I don’t want to acknowledge!
Posted: November 15th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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1. Maintain a daily routine
As much as possible try to follow a set pattern each day. On school days get the family out of bed at the same time, have a shower/bathroom roster, breakfast together, leave the house in good time for school transport. All these little things help young people feel secure and safe.
2. Make a fuss on special days
Go wild on birthdays - help them feel that your family parties like no other. It doesn’t need to take heaps of money - be creative. If it’s winter and likely to snow then make the day a toboggan Olympics or the largest snowman ever, or the snowball fight to end all snowball fights.
Food always works - try the largest banana split in the world (to give you an idea it involves using a clan drain pipe).
3. Include children in decision making
Children begin to feel uneasy, afraid and insecure when they don’t know what is happening. When huge decisions are taken and they feel in the dark. The answer is simple - involve them in the discussion. It will need to be age sensitive but don’t assume they haven’t already worked out something is going on.
4. Affirm their worth regularly
Adolescence is a scary journey and is often riddled with a sense of just not being good enough. If we seek out opportunities to affirm their worth (and take every one we get) then we will be shaping their self esteem - making it more and more healthy. A healthy self esteem equals a happy teenager. And what do happy teenagers make? - happy parents!
5. Encourage parent substitutes in their life.
Home life will be more stable if our teenagers relate well to other caring adults. If they connect with a family member, neighbour or youth worker then that takes some of the parental load, gives another person’s perspective and allows for our teen to (occasionally) raise some issues about us.
6. Keep consistent boundaries
All of us benefit from clear, well defined boundaries even though it seems to be human nature for us to push them a little (as an example car drivers and speed limits). Having said that the key word here is consistent. If there are two parents/adults then it works best if the boundaries have been pre-agreed and don’t vary from one parent to the other. The boundaries need to be the same day in and day out too.
Posted: November 12th, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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