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Many of you will have noticed that young people have developed a skill (or is it an art) of communicating without unnecessary vowels. This trend has been started due to the need to limit the characters in any message to 160 - as set by mobile phone companies.

This has also been carried into the world of Instant Messaging - try your hand at this message and see how you fare:

My smmr hols wr CWOT M8, B4 we used 2go2 LDN 2C my bro, his gf + thr 3 :-0 kids FTF. ILLDN, its a gr8 plc! ATM POS!

I will strategically place a picture here to give you some brain space to think it through without the answer appearing in your line of sight.

So here we go - the full English version:

My summer holidays were a complete waste of time, mate. Before we used to go to London to see my brother, his girlfriend and their three kids face to face. I love London it’s a great place.. At the moment, parent over shoulder.

[The final statement being a caution to their friend to tone down any language and also to let them know the conversation may change a little or slow down]

So - how did you go?

Posted: November 9th, 2007 under Communication, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

In pre-industrial cultures, the transition from childhood to adulthood was accomplished in a short time span, and often accompanied by a decisive ceremony, such as the Jewish Bar Mitzvah. Nelson Mandela describes in painful detail the day, at sixteen, when he was accepted into adulthood in a traditional ceremony of circumcision. Each boy is trained to cry out, at the very moment of circumcision, ‘Ndiyindoda!’ which means, ‘I am a man!’. The ceremony, over several days, takes place in an isolated place, where special lodges had been constructed to house the 26 young men being initiated at the same time.

Mandela writes: ‘I had now taken the essential step in the life of every Xhosa man. Now I might marry, set up my own home and plough my own field. I could now be admitted to the councils of the community: my words would be taken seriously … At the end of our seclusion, the lodges and all their contents were burned, destroying our last links to childhood, and a great ceremony was held to welcome us as men to society…’

Western society has for the most part lost the remnants of such initiation rites, and has both extended and blurred the gap between childhood and adulthood. The phrase Adolescent was first coined in 1905 by G Stanley Hall, and by the 1950’s the concept of the ‘teenager’ had arrived; a half-child, half-adult creature who hovers uncertainly between dependence and acceptance, and for whom the transition will last for anything from six years upwards. All the signs are that adolescence is getting longer, as children enter the phase sooner, and wait longer, by choice or default, to settle into stable relationships and fixed economic activity.

In this sense it seems fair to describe adolescence as an artificial extension of the initiation process: thus there is work to do in helping young people and parents through it, and in applying Biblical wisdom. The emotional needs of the child are the same as they might be were the initiation process condensed into a short ceremony. Adolescents stand caught between memories of the childhood they now know to be over and prospects of an adulthood in which they have not yet tested out their skills.

They need:

• To know that they belong and are loved, and that the family that has nurtured them to date will still be there for them: not casting them out but helping them to move on.
• To know that there is a place for them in the adult society into which they are being initiated.

At the end of a seminar, a nineteen year old took issue with the presenter for saying teenagers were not adults. She was angry and hurt and asked how dare they make such a statement when she felt strongly that she was in every way an adult and challenged the concept being put forward that teenagers were still children.

When do you think your child became / will become an adult?

Posted: November 6th, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

This article provides balance to my earlier post on 7 things teens don’t like about their parents - here are things they DO like:

When parents act naturally

Part of growing up is understanding people, learning how they act and think - observing behaviours as young people try and work out who they are. So they love it when their parents can be real; when they don’t need to act intelligent, or to act strong, or to act calm but to allow them into some of the real conflicts that the adult world provides. When we show emotion, we hug them - just being ourselves.

When parents talk on their level as adults

Transactional analysis shows that we communicate on 1 of 3 basic levels (parent, child and adult) and our teens love it when we talk to them adult to adult. (Now I am the first to admit that it is not always possible to do this when they are acting like children). When we discuss and debater rather than dictate; when we negotiate rather than mandate; when we listen rather than just talk. try it - you will be surprised at how adult they can be (and how hard it is for them to not do what we ask when we ask it in an adult way).

When parents are firm

In contrast to their stated opinion young people love it when the boundaries are clearly stated and we are firm. Of course they will constantly seek to push them and stretch deadlines but they know it is good for them when we stick to our decisions. I don’t mean that we will never negotiate but I do mean we won’t be walked over.

When parents are polite to their friends

I am a firm believer on inviting their friends round to our house as often as possible - we can learn a great deal from knowing which people they hang out with. Whenever I do come into contact with my children’s friends - whoever they are and whatever they look like - I am always polite. It is a respectful thing to do and the opposite is totally unacceptable from your child’s point of view. IF you have issues then you can always talk them through (adult to adult) when the moment arrives - and that is never when the friend is there.

When their privacy is respected

Looking in diaries, walking into bedrooms, listening in to phone calls are NOT options to caring parents. Our teenagers are becoming adults and have a right to expect privacy - not just physically (bedroom, bathroom etc) but emotionally (diary) as well. If we have a concern then we should talk it out not snoop around.

Posted: November 3rd, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

This is one of 2 posts [the next will be along in 3 days] about what kids do and don’t like in parents - but seeing as human nature finds the negative easier than the positive - I thought I would get the negative stuff out of the way first.

Anger

Of course they realise that parents are human and emotional beings, but they don’t like to see angry parents. Especially if they are angry at each other (Mum and Dad fighting) and it doesn’t help when they are disciplined by a parent in an angry state. Please keep your arguments in private and never tell someone off until you have calmed down.

Negativity

Life can be a struggle for many people, hurdles to jump, mountains to climb - and none more so as they travel through adolescence. At this crucial time in their life they need people who believe in them, will encourage them, spur them on to high and lofty goals - not negative, put down types of people. Always look on the bright side of life!

Nagging

Ancient wisdom states ‘a nagging wife is like a dripping tap’ - a nagging parent in like one too. Now I understand our teens don’t always do as they are told and don’t do it quickly enough but nagging simply doesn’t work. it doesn’t work for them (they may eventually do it but thats despite the nagging) and it doesn’t work for us (we just get stressed).

Inappropriate behaviour

In many ways we are models for our kids so if we do stuff that isn’t appropriate then they will likely follow suit. It is hard to define inappropriate as the circumstances will vary dramatically - but the could include : smoking; smoking more than tobacco;overtly sexual activity in front of your children (and I am a strong advocate for affection between parents - but there are limits) - maybe even continuous computer usage?

Parents acting like teenagers

Sorry but it isn’t cool to try and use all the teen language; or to dress like you were 19 again - other kids think it is amusing our kids know it is plain embarrassing. It is always best to act your age.

Living parents lives through their teenagers

This one is a big one. If you didn’t make it as a doctor, or teacher or rock star or whatever then it is never appropriate for you to expect your children to follow your dream. Let them have their own dream, follow their own destiny.

Favouritism

It is easy (maybe even normal?) to have favourites. Some of our kids are simply more like us - or more like our spouse (the one we loved so much we married!). BUT - it is not the done thing for that favouritism to show. And while we are here it is never acceptable to do the comparison thing either - ‘your grades aren’t as good as your sister’s’ etc.

Posted: October 31st, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

As the Northern Hemisphere starts back to school and we begin our final term before the summer holidays; I thought it would be good to remind us all about the issue of bully and more importantly how to prevent it. All schools will have an anti-bullying policy but it is also good to train our children [whatever age] to prevent themselves from becoming a victim.

Here are 10 things that a bully looks for, they give him/her a sense of achievement whenever they get this kind of response. The key, therefore, is to learn to avoid showing that their bullying has these effects.

• Eyes - red, teary, weepy, narrowed, looking down or away.
• Face - white, red, tense muscles.
• Lips - tight or mouth open.
• Head - down.
• Shoulders - slumped, bent over, pulled back.
• Voice - very quiet, angry, upset, muffled, a grunt.
• Body Movements - frozen, stuck, paralysed, rigid, fidgeting, walking away.
• Verbal Retaliation - blabbering, criticizing back, blaming.
• Feelings - fear, anger, hurt, hate, demonstrated embarrassment, teariness, frustration.
• Demeanour - doing nothing or being powerless.

Of course many of the reactions are just intuitive and come ‘naturally’, which is why we need to train our children to be counter-intuitive. If the bully doesn’t think they are ‘winning’; ‘on target’; ‘getting to you’ then they will very likely stop.

Let’s help those we love live free from bullying.

[This post was inspired by a Blog Competition by SuperFundraiser Blog.]

Posted: October 3rd, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: 3

At the time this event occurred Daniel was 10 and Ben was 12 - two brothers, the son’s of our friends. We were visiting their house that night - New Year’s Eve I think (it was a few years ago). The night went really well and it was getting near the time for the boys to go to bed. We were all sitting in the room and I decided to play my question game - the boys agreed.

The game is played quite simply - I ask a question and they give me their answer. I was the only ‘adult’ talking so my wife and their parents were just observers.

The questions started simply:

• What is your favourite subject at school?
• What teacher do you enjoy the most?
• Which teacher do you not like?

Slowly they started to require a little more thinking:

• What would you like to do after school?
• Where would you like to live in later life?
• What profession would you like as an adult?

Then into the deeper aspects of life:

• What is your plan/purpose/dream for your life?
• What are your views on God, religion and life after death?
• What will your wife be like?
• What is your perspective on government policies.

The lads [and I] had a ball! Time came for bed although [as to be expected] they just didn’t want to go.

The best part of the conversation, though, was with the parents after the boys had been settled down. They were astounded at the understanding and insight their sons had.

I understood, of course, that they saw them as their two little boys, remembered them as babies, watched carefully over every step of their life to date. I saw them as 2 young men, aspiring adults, people with views, interests, questions of their own. People of the future not children of the past.

How do you see others?

Posted: October 1st, 2007 under Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

Young people are in transition from childhood to adulthood - the greatest period of change they have ever faced and possibly ever will. During these years everything they knew about themselves changes and it can be quite a scary [as well as exciting] time - in fact we compare adolescence to white water rafting - a bumpy ride for sure, but one that is exhilarating, feels out of control and bordering on dangerous! Having said that people pay large sums of money for a short trip down a rapid river so it’s not all bad. A pursuit not without risks but one that people pay to enjoy.

Adolescence is about the emergence, at times traumatic, of a new adult identity, which is continuous with the identity of the child but contains and opens up many new things. Acceptance isn’t a unique need of young people, rather one of the basic desires of the human race. All around us we are bombarded with the negative aspects of life, not least in the media. Add to that the ongoing desire for self improvement which can manifest in our self comparison to others. This can lead to negative thinking where we can put ourselves down with our self talk. In the uncertain world of the adolescent in the middle of finding their adult identity they need acceptance at this fragile time of life

Affirmation is saying to a person ‘you are valued for who you are: you are unique and special, and the world is a better place for your presence in it’. Of course you can say this in a variety of ways. As a suggestion test drive one or two of these: “I think you are a great person”; “I am really enjoying seeing your character develop and mature”; “I think you will make an amazing dad/mum/father/mother “; ” I am proud of who you are”. You can even show acceptance without using words! Try a smile, a gentle touch on the shoulder a nod.

The reverse message says that the planet would be better off without you. In their search for their adult persona this is a devastating message to receive that can take a long time to recover from. Both messages are communicated by words and actions, and both will be picked up loud and clear by the super-sensitive emotions of teenagers. The far better way is to learn to affirm, and purge your life, and those around you of destructive, sniping criticism.

If we think for a moment how we would feel as the receiver of negativity then I am convinced we would actively find ways to communicate acceptance all the time.

Posted: September 28th, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: 1

Aurelia Williams has an interesting post entitled Strategies to Help Boost Your Childs Self Esteem with several points to help parents. One of them I find a challenge:

Spend time with your child: Remember quality is more important than quantity. Even if you spend just 30 minutes with your child one on one — playing games, taking walks, having long bedtime chats, or just snuggling in front of the TV, spending time with your child shows them that you value their company.

The challenge I find is how to define and deliver the concept of quality time. I understand the theory and I agree with it - I just don’t know how to do it.

One of my conclusions is that quality time - those moments of conversation where you seem to touch reality, that awareness of your child’s life that seems so revealing, that topic that seems to flow so naturally - they can’t be planned. It doesn’t seem real to book an appointment with your child as quality time. My experience has been that quality time comes out of quantity time - unexpectedly, spontaneously - and it’s great when it happens.

Posted: September 26th, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none