Well it has been a month since this blog got resuscitated and in the process I have learnt a few things I want to share - my blog tips! The initial start of the blog was about a year ago and I couldn’t solve a Feedburner issue which meant I had no idea if people were subscribing or not - so I left it on the back burner. Now, with a new plug in, I know the answer to the question of subscribers and I can watch it grow.

So, the relaunch taught me these things:

• Read, read and read some more on the topic of blogging. Most of the material is available free online [although I did borrow a book from my local library on the topic]. The two best courses that I came across are Kian Ann’s Blogopreneur and Better Business Blogging - go check them out.
• Bite the bullet and, whenever possible, download Wordpress onto your own server. All the experts say that the control is worth it. I am not an expert in these things but I can use an FTP program and that is all you need. Two Wordpress tips would be:
  • Be cautious with the plug ins. There are so many out there that they can be overwhelming. Just take it one step at a time and read, read and read until you find the ones you want to try.
  • Play with themes. There is no way I could write my own but again there are plenty out there for you to try - many of them free of charge. Plenty to get you started at least.
• Start! Write, write and write. It’s a bit like waiting until you can afford it before you start a family - you never will afford it on paper but it all works out. If you wait until you blog is totally ready before you start it may never happen - so just do it- write something.
• Focus! Stick with your topic (now I can hear some of you saying what has this post got to do with Understanding Teenagers - well one thing for sure is that the vast majority of my readers are familiar with blogs, so this one is for them!). Build a reputation as an expert in your field.
• Final tip: leave the rest and learn as you go along. On my learning list is SEO (any tips anyone?) - I am reading about it all, learning as I go along and have extended my vocabulary considerably (trackback, pingback) - but they aren’t essential at this stage.

If you were thinking of starting your own blog then give it a go, start today/this weekend.

Posted: October 4th, 2007 under Communication.
Comments: none

As the Northern Hemisphere starts back to school and we begin our final term before the summer holidays; I thought it would be good to remind us all about the issue of bully and more importantly how to prevent it. All schools will have an anti-bullying policy but it is also good to train our children [whatever age] to prevent themselves from becoming a victim.

Here are 10 things that a bully looks for, they give him/her a sense of achievement whenever they get this kind of response. The key, therefore, is to learn to avoid showing that their bullying has these effects.

• Eyes - red, teary, weepy, narrowed, looking down or away.
• Face - white, red, tense muscles.
• Lips - tight or mouth open.
• Head - down.
• Shoulders - slumped, bent over, pulled back.
• Voice - very quiet, angry, upset, muffled, a grunt.
• Body Movements - frozen, stuck, paralysed, rigid, fidgeting, walking away.
• Verbal Retaliation - blabbering, criticizing back, blaming.
• Feelings - fear, anger, hurt, hate, demonstrated embarrassment, teariness, frustration.
• Demeanour - doing nothing or being powerless.

Of course many of the reactions are just intuitive and come ‘naturally’, which is why we need to train our children to be counter-intuitive. If the bully doesn’t think they are ‘winning’; ‘on target’; ‘getting to you’ then they will very likely stop.

Let’s help those we love live free from bullying.

[This post was inspired by a Blog Competition by SuperFundraiser Blog.]

Posted: October 3rd, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: 3

At the time this event occurred Daniel was 10 and Ben was 12 - two brothers, the son’s of our friends. We were visiting their house that night - New Year’s Eve I think (it was a few years ago). The night went really well and it was getting near the time for the boys to go to bed. We were all sitting in the room and I decided to play my question game - the boys agreed.

The game is played quite simply - I ask a question and they give me their answer. I was the only ‘adult’ talking so my wife and their parents were just observers.

The questions started simply:

• What is your favourite subject at school?
• What teacher do you enjoy the most?
• Which teacher do you not like?

Slowly they started to require a little more thinking:

• What would you like to do after school?
• Where would you like to live in later life?
• What profession would you like as an adult?

Then into the deeper aspects of life:

• What is your plan/purpose/dream for your life?
• What are your views on God, religion and life after death?
• What will your wife be like?
• What is your perspective on government policies.

The lads [and I] had a ball! Time came for bed although [as to be expected] they just didn’t want to go.

The best part of the conversation, though, was with the parents after the boys had been settled down. They were astounded at the understanding and insight their sons had.

I understood, of course, that they saw them as their two little boys, remembered them as babies, watched carefully over every step of their life to date. I saw them as 2 young men, aspiring adults, people with views, interests, questions of their own. People of the future not children of the past.

How do you see others?

Posted: October 1st, 2007 under Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

This is the first generation where wisdom is not automatically flowing down from the older to the younger generation - specifically in the area of technology. How many grandparents ask their 10 year old grandchild to show them how to work the DVD player? How many of our children understand the computer more than we do?

Derek Semmler makes an interesting point over on Dad Balance when he says:

There are times when it may feel like you are supposed to have all the answers and know how to do just about anything. If you encounter a time where you don’t know, you might even fake it well enough that everyone thinks you know.
But did you know that not knowing how to do something could be a very rewarding experience?

If we are able to put aside any insecurities we can not only learn things from our children but they can learn a lot more from us. We get our DVD working, our video recording automatically, our computer functioning better - but they get to understand humility, being teachable, they have value. A classic win-win situation.

Posted: September 29th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
Comments: none

Young people are in transition from childhood to adulthood - the greatest period of change they have ever faced and possibly ever will. During these years everything they knew about themselves changes and it can be quite a scary [as well as exciting] time - in fact we compare adolescence to white water rafting - a bumpy ride for sure, but one that is exhilarating, feels out of control and bordering on dangerous! Having said that people pay large sums of money for a short trip down a rapid river so it’s not all bad. A pursuit not without risks but one that people pay to enjoy.

Adolescence is about the emergence, at times traumatic, of a new adult identity, which is continuous with the identity of the child but contains and opens up many new things. Acceptance isn’t a unique need of young people, rather one of the basic desires of the human race. All around us we are bombarded with the negative aspects of life, not least in the media. Add to that the ongoing desire for self improvement which can manifest in our self comparison to others. This can lead to negative thinking where we can put ourselves down with our self talk. In the uncertain world of the adolescent in the middle of finding their adult identity they need acceptance at this fragile time of life

Affirmation is saying to a person ‘you are valued for who you are: you are unique and special, and the world is a better place for your presence in it’. Of course you can say this in a variety of ways. As a suggestion test drive one or two of these: “I think you are a great person”; “I am really enjoying seeing your character develop and mature”; “I think you will make an amazing dad/mum/father/mother “; ” I am proud of who you are”. You can even show acceptance without using words! Try a smile, a gentle touch on the shoulder a nod.

The reverse message says that the planet would be better off without you. In their search for their adult persona this is a devastating message to receive that can take a long time to recover from. Both messages are communicated by words and actions, and both will be picked up loud and clear by the super-sensitive emotions of teenagers. The far better way is to learn to affirm, and purge your life, and those around you of destructive, sniping criticism.

If we think for a moment how we would feel as the receiver of negativity then I am convinced we would actively find ways to communicate acceptance all the time.

Posted: September 28th, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: 1

Aurelia Williams has an interesting post entitled Strategies to Help Boost Your Childs Self Esteem with several points to help parents. One of them I find a challenge:

Spend time with your child: Remember quality is more important than quantity. Even if you spend just 30 minutes with your child one on one — playing games, taking walks, having long bedtime chats, or just snuggling in front of the TV, spending time with your child shows them that you value their company.

The challenge I find is how to define and deliver the concept of quality time. I understand the theory and I agree with it - I just don’t know how to do it.

One of my conclusions is that quality time - those moments of conversation where you seem to touch reality, that awareness of your child’s life that seems so revealing, that topic that seems to flow so naturally - they can’t be planned. It doesn’t seem real to book an appointment with your child as quality time. My experience has been that quality time comes out of quantity time - unexpectedly, spontaneously - and it’s great when it happens.

Posted: September 26th, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

In contrast to my article advising things to never say to your teenager, this article offers 8 words to say - and say often. As you read you will notice that many, if not all, of the words were included in our training of our children as they grew up. Somehow, as they grow older, we stop the training course and, in fact, sometimes do the opposite. I want to encourage you to keep training your teenager; you just have to change the method. Replace the repetitive demands with a good example. If you use these words frequently you may well discover your teenager following your example.

Word 1 - Please

Saying please costs so little but has great benefit. Regular usage indicates that we are not bossing people, insisting on immediate obedience or using our authority. Rather it indicates choice and requires a willingness to help. It changes an order to a request and it’s basically polite.

Words 2 and 3 - Thank You

An attitude of gratitude is a wonderful thing, it indicates an appreciation that is rare these days. Young people particularly live in a world where adults expect, even demand, obedience without question. “This assignment is due on Friday”; “Take the trash out today after school”; “Tidy your room”.

How much better will they feel if you say thanks - and how easy is it for us to do? Try it - not because you have to but just because you can.

Words 4 and 5 - I’m Sorry

Whoa - now I am pushing you too far! These words are some of the biggest you might ever come across and they just get bigger when you have to say them to your children. But that should not stop us from saying them when we can.

If we struggle to think of times when we should apologise to our children then we are running the risk of thinking that we are perfect or that we never make mistakes. Think of the life lesson you can teach by admitting when you have made a mistake - humility, forgiveness, humanity, reality.

Saying sorry doesn’t imply weakness, in fact it demonstrates strength.

Words 6 to 8 - I love you

I fully understand that if you never heard your mother or father say these words to you then it won’t be easy for you to say them to your children. I want to encourage you to break the cycle and work hard at saying the words to your children.

Many young people [and older ones] explain to me that [usually] their fathers never say that they love them. They don’t doubt the fact that they are loved but they long to hear the words.

Live on the edge! Leap off! Give it a try! Not only will they be released but so will you. Touch your son or daughter on the shoulder, look into their eyes and tell them you love them. Go ahead - make their day.

Posted: September 25th, 2007 under Parents.
Comments: none

Last night I was talking to a young person on MSN and he was complaining that it was unlikely that his parents would allow him to buy his preferred pair of jeans. I asked how come?

Let me give you some background - in my work I talk to many young people online, some I know personally [have met FTF - face to face] and others that I on ly know online. All of them are aware of my work as a coach to young people and their parents. This young man, I will call him Stephen, was referred to me by one of his friends as he was struggling with the issues of life - he is 16 years old and would be considered to belong to a reasonably wealthy family - private school, BMW, father being director of company - you get the picture.

Back to the jeans - he wanted a pair of [I can't even remember the brand] jeans that would cost $330. Yes, I did put three hundred and thirty dollars for a pair of jeans. I suggested that there were cheaper alternatives but he said he wanted this pair. I asked if his parents wouldn’t be willing to pay that amount and he told me that he would pay for them himself - he works and earns his money he told me. He also told me that he could pay $700 for a pair if he wanted to! That reminded me of when my wife goes shopping and gets such a bargain that she saved me over a hundred dollars - but that’s a digression.

He reckoned that his mother could be persuaded but there was no chance with dad. I asked if he actually needed to tell them - not to lie but just not say how much they cost, after all it was his money that he had earned. Mum would ask, she would tell Dad and he would make him take them back and/or go on about savings, investments and the price of jeans.

So - how much for a pair of jeans? Stephen is more than wiling to pay $330 but is not willing to pay the amount of hassle he will get from his parents. Depending on your view - that is a victory. His parents have in fact won - they have previously taught their son the value of items in relation to life.

Unfortunately the lesson he learned was Dad hasn’t got a clue and the sooner he can leave home the better!

Posted: September 22nd, 2007 under Parents.
Comments: none

Trust is an interesting thing. One of life’s mysteries in the sense that it is easy to recognise but kinda hard to define - not so much the word but the ‘knowing’ whether or not to trust someone. It’s kinda intuitive - which by definition is beyond definition.

I am a youthworker, working in high schools [amongst other places] and I had a recent opportunity that demonstrated trust.

Let me explain - and before I get into the detail - let me tell you that I have randomly changed the names of people to protect their identity, so if you are local to me then - no - you can’t work it out.

I will call him Kevin.

I know Kevin quite well, we have chatted about life, about anger, about his parents, about his girlfriend. In some sense the level of conversation [which continues on MSN most evenings] so I could have argued that Kevin trusted me - and he does.

The way he demonstrated it was a definite first for me - and may well be a last [I am not seeking a repeat opportunity for sure!].

He and 2 friends came into my school office, laughing and joking and asking if I was free and if I had some time for them. My instant response was ‘no - go to class’ as I sensed they were just seeking a place to hide away from doing any school work. It was not so - Kevin had a problem - a deep seated problem - so deep seated he couldn’t deal with it himself and needed a helping hand.

He had sat on a picnic bench, slid along it and acquired a splinter in the body part he was using to sit with. There was NO WAY he wanted his mates to help him - so he asked me. I was honoured - well kind of.

The next few minutes were spent removing unwanted items out of Kevin’s 16 year old buttock - it was not an easy task. A definite sense of trust in me and a steady hand.

When and how did your teen demonstrate their trust in you?

Posted: September 4th, 2007 under Teenager.
Comments: none

I am involved in a course for parents - eventually it will become a series of teleclasses and an ecourse - comprising of 25 different ‘lessons’. We have had considerable fun in deciding which 25 to choose and how to group them together.

What would you say are priorities - you can fully influence our decision as we have only got them pencilled in at this stage.

Posted: August 29th, 2007 under Parents.
Comments: none